Orientation: BL-101 with Professor Pancake

Logo courtesy of Kaelan Carlson

One and all, welcome to another year of the Breakfast League! Season 12 is set to begin soon. A special welcome to new members of the Breakfast League at large: Jake Ellis, Jon Dormady, and Steve Sherman!

At this point in the article, Jake, Jon and Steve have clicked on the link from our Facebook page, been redirected to a website designed specifically for our fantasy football league, and have asked themselves: what the hell am I getting myself into? And that's fair. We're pretty nuts. It's kind of the best part about us.

So, on one hand, the newbies should hear a little bit about what makes the League tick. On the other hand, for the rest of us, it's worth reflecting once in a while on how freaking awesome you are. In that spirit, it's time for orientation. Sit down, take out your notebooks, and wish the Professor a good morning: here's the Breakfast League in a nutshell.

What is the Breakfast League? Quite simply the best fantasy football league to ever exist. Eleven years ago, ten high school friends got together and drafted some redraft teams. Kaelan Carlson won the title, I said, "Well that just can't be allowed to happen again," and we've kept it going ever since.

But I thought I was playing in a Dynasty league? That you may be! Since most of our members have twice the normal man's ego, we thought we needed twice the normal league's leagues! This is our first year hosting both a Re-Draft leagues (RBL) and a Dynasty league (DBL). All our new members this year are DBL members.

Cool. Now what's with this website thing? This is where we store a bunch of extra, unnecessary information when we want to trash talk each other. Do you want to find out who had the lowest single-season score all-time? Go to the all-time stats. Do you want to read up about how Connor Gibson won his rookie title? Hit up the 2021 histories page. Do you want to go find Al Ohlinger's bubble tracker from that one year to brag about your improbable comeback? Go to the news tab. Oh, and don't forget the Hall of Fame, and of Shame! Check in to the main page once in a while to see if anything new has popped up.

Uhhh wow, that's extra... you probably have a full Constitution written and redrafted like five times by some nerd in law school too, don't you? Yep. We do. It's me. I'm the nerd. But really, feel free to check it out if you have any questions about boring governance stuff.

Wait, what did you mean by bubble tracker? Yeah, that's this thing Al Ohlinger does every year for the last week of the regular season. Every potential scenario is meticulously calculated, so that you can know whether you made the playoffs or not. It's pretty legit. Most years, it gets pretty close.

Sweet - so catch me up, what did I miss? Well, you get to be on the ground floor of the Dynasty League, which is pretty sweet. In the Re-Draft world, you should know five things. 1) Kaelan's the only one with a perfect season. F***. 2) As a rule of nature, Sean Alumbaugh must lose the championship game. 3) Dechow is pronounced "Dog Chow." 4) Don't snipe a Kansas City Chief out from under Aaron. 5) Everyone roots for me to lose, and I'm okay with shattering your hopes and dreams.

So, who leads this thing? It changes from year to year. I currently serve as the Admin Commish, but the REAL leaders are RJ Dechow (Redraft Commissioner) and Al Ohlinger (Dynasty Commissioner). Sean Alumbaugh, Aaron Green, Ethan Maas, and Kaelan Carlson join me as the five remaining founding members. RJ, Al, and Alex Annan are beginning their tenth year this season. Feel old yet? I know I do. Interested in being Commish? Run for election in January!

One last question: why has everyone stuck around so long, just to deal with YOUR ugly face? Oh, I think I misheard - you asked, why does everyone still play after I win all the time? You know, I'd like to think it's my rugged good looks and a desire to learn from the best. But more likely, we all recognize that it's incredibly rare to have something be this much fun, and have this much staying power. And we love to trash talk, that's a must.

*****

If your experience is anything like ours, you'll make lifelong friends, and the Holiest of Days - DRAFT DAY - will become your favorite day of the year. I know it's mine. Be sure to introduce yourselves, learn from your league members, and brace yourself. Welcome to the League - and don't cry when we beat you. ;)