Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone is getting fat eating lots of food and watching my beloved Lions drop to 0-10-1 on the season (somehow we tied against the Steelers at Pittsburgh so we won’t be the first 0-17 team!)
With all the non-divisional games done, we turn our attention to divisional matchups that will take place before the playoffs get started. And to begin, we start off with two teams that can play the role of spoiler (since they sadly have seen their playoff chances dwindle to 0% in the last few weeks ☹)
12. CoronaVirus Crowns (2-9)
This is a great example of how a team functions when its #1 draft pick misses 5 games and in those 5 games, you go 2-3. Seriously, go look it up. When McCaffery plays, they are 0-6 and when he’s out, they are 2-3. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe try sitting him for the next 3 games just to see what the hell happens? Couldn’t hurt at this point!
11. Waddlin Tua Mahomies (3-8)
With Patrick Mahomes looking like a mere mortal this year, you knew it was going to be uphill sledding. The RB situation is bad with backups in your 2 spots currently and with 3 guys either out or on the IR, the depth isn’t there. Aaron’s focus is squarely on his beloved NFL team, the Chiefs, once again making a run to the Super Bowl... which is not a bad consolation prize, even if I will never know the feeling ☹.
10. That’s Football (4-7)
What a heartbreaking loss, kinda like all of Nebraska’s games this year. You needed that game Al to keep alive your playoff hopes and now? They’re gone like the plate of chicken I am going to demolish on Thanksgiving. Now don’t get me wrong, if he runs the table the rest of the way, I would not be surprised. He has a strong 2-1 record against the members of his division so he could squeak in based on the head-to-head tiebreakers and his knack for managing his team is exquisite. But that loss is brutal.
9. FloridaState SeminalVesicles (5-6)
Aaron Jones is out and Tyreek Hill is on a bye? Not good timing my friend. This team is running on fumes with injuries and you have the fewest points scored in the strongest top to bottom division in the league. The odds are stacked against you and unfortunately, 3 QBs on your roster isn’t going to help matters right now.
8. Premarital Fournettecation (5-6)
This is a team that no one wants to face right now and... crap I’m facing him this week. He scores points almost as quickly as Henry Ruggs drinks beers and drives so you know he’s dangerous, if not deadly. Even on a bad week, Josh Allen still scores 20+ points. Adams and Metcalf are a great 1-2 punch. Watch out Waffle league, if he gets hot, he’ll smoke our asses the last 3 weeks. Too bad he’s 5-6 right now because if he was 7-4, he might be the favorite to win the championship.
7. Team Suspension (6-5)
Kupp and Jefferson are probably the best WR duo right now on any team. The only weakness on this team is the RB position, which a certain player by the name of Kamera would be nice to have right now. He has a chance the next 3 weeks to catch up ground and make the playoffs and if he does, watch out. This man has skill and luck on his side when it comes to winning championships in this league. If he does just that, Kenny will shit his pants.
6. Morning Chubb (6-5)
When Stafford is on a bye, my top 4 WRs are all out due to injuries, mental well-being, or killing someone (Ruggs is such a dumbass), Patterson is injured, and my D/ST out and I still win? Well, maybe I am lucky. These next 3 weeks are going to be tough, and I am going to need my players to return healthy to have a chance. Every team in my division still believes that they can win and since head-to-head is our tiebreaker, I’m going to probably need to win 2 of my next 3 to make the playoffs but if I get into the playoffs, this team has the depth to bring home my first title.
5. Can You Diggs It? (7-4)
Gotta be honest, the next 4 spots were almost impossible to rank, all these teams are so close together. I decided to put Kenny here because I wanted Ekeler in the preseason draft and he snagged him just before me so I ended up taking Gibson with the 15th pick. However, if I would’ve taken the player right after, I might be ranking myself #4...
4. Koo Koo Ka Choo (7-4)
Taking Jonathan Taylor with the 16th pick in the draft is looking like a steal right now. He’s been arguably the best RB this season, especially with Henry going out and with a 1st place standing in the Bacon division, your spot for the playoffs looks good. The only knock against this team is that your WRs seem a little thin on depth but other than that, you’re in good position to make a run.
3. Crazy Train (6-5)
I’m ranking this 2nd place team above a 1st place team due to this team’s higher points scored as well as they face an easier schedule the rest of the way even though Koo Koo does own the head-to-head tiebreaker. This is one of the more balanced teams with an electric QB, solid RBs and WRs, and the best TE in the game with Kelce. If CeeDee Lamb comes back strong, watch out.
2. Cassius Darsh (7-4)
Not for sure why I like this team so much. Maybe it’s because of the ageless wonder Brady leading the charge. Or Elliott rediscovering his old form. Or Lockett, Smith, and Hopkins forming a solid 1-2-3 punch when healthy. This is probably one of the deepest teams in the league which will help come playoff season.
1. Connor Party (8-3)
I gotta be honest with you, after the week that I played you and you scored only 60 something and had Henry go down, I thought “you’re done and not making the playoffs.” Well... I was wrong. Yes, your RB room looks a little thin right now but Edwards-Helaire coming back helps immensely and if Henry comes back right in time for the playoffs to begin, watch out. No one will want to face this team. Now what you need is to clinch a bye week to give Henry more time to heal up. Since you play in the easiest division, you should get it.
Final Standing Predictions because why not. I’m calling for some chaos so some of the final standings predictions might not match my rankings above.
Bacon Division
Koo Koo Ka Choo: 9-5 2-1 against division, beats Suspension, Vesicles, loses to Diggs
Can you Diggs It: 9-5 2-1 against division, beats Choo, Vesicles, loses to Suspension
Team Suspension: 8-6 2-1 against division, beats Diggs, Vesicles, loses to Choo
SeminalVesicles: 5-9 0-3 against division, loses to Choo, Suspension, and Diggs
Summary: Kenny dies after losing to Suspension again but still make the playoffs. Choo gets a week 1 bye in the playoffs.
Waffle Division
Cassius Darsh: 8-6 1-2 against division, beats Chubb, loses to Fournette, Football
Morning Chubb: 8-6 2-1 against division, beats Fournette, Football, loses to Darsh
Fournettecation: 7-7 2-1 against division, beat Darsh, Football, loses to Chubb
That’s Football: 5-9 1-2 against division, beats Darsh, loses to Chubb, Fournette
Summary: Cassius wins the division based off of tiebreakers and Chubb makes it as well. Meanwhile, Al analyzes his team’s performance after the season and reinvents himself, which leads to a dynasty that rivals the Patriots...
Sausage Division
Connor Party: 10-4 2-1 against division, beats Mahomies, Corona, loses to Crazy
Crazy Train: 8-6 2-1 against division, beats Connor, Mahomies, loses to Corona
CoronaVirus: 4-10 2-1 against division, beats Crazy, Mahomies, loses to Connor
Mahomies: 3-11 0-3 against division, loses to everyone
Summary: Connor clinches a bye a week before the regular season ends and finds out that Henry is coming back early from injury. Crazy gets into the playoffs based off of his tiebreakers. CoronaVirus takes my suggestions and sits McCaffery for the last 3 games and wins 2 of them, proving I’m the best at predictions ever.
Week 12 Games: Least Important to highest importance
(2-9) CoronaVirus Crowns versus (3-8) Waddlin Tua Mahomies: Nothing but pride is at stake here
(7-4) Cassius Darsh versus (4-7): Cassius can put a nail in Al’s coffin with a win. Al stays alive (barely) if he wins.
(5-6) FloridaState SeminalVesicles versus (7-4) Can You Diggs It?: Similar situation to the above except Seminal is closer to the playoffs. Diggs needs to win to keep his hopes of a bye alive.
(8-3) Conner Party versus (6-5) Crazy Train: Connor clinches the division with a win and possibly a bye in the playoffs. Crazy improves his playoff chances with a win. Both teams are still in the mix regardless of the outcome.
(5-6) Premarital Fournettecation versus (6-5) Morning Chubb: Chubb needs to win to stay above Fournettecation otherwise I lose both the head-to-head tiebreaker and the points scored to Fournettecation. My playoff chances would be almost gone at that point.
(7-4) Koo Koo Ka Choo versus (6-5) Team Suspension: One team has won 5 in a row. The other has won 3. One of those streaks ends this weekend. Going to be a high scoring and close game down to the wire
Thanks for reading and have a great Thanksgiving weekend! And go Lions!!!
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