Aight fellas, Week 5 is in the books and Fall is in the air! The socials are filled with basic posts about Pumpkin Spice fill-in-the-blank, while offices are filled with allergy coughs that must be immediately explained to all in earshot as “it’s not Covid; I have allergies.”
While change is upon us, two things remain the same: Nebraska continues to break my freakin’ heart, and ESPN projected point totals mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. As an irrelevant example, I would be 5-0 if projected points translated to actual points… I’m not salty.
With that, here comes my power rankings, with a disclaimer. 9 out 12 teams are either 3-2 or 2-3, so this is still very competitive and thus, super tricky to rank. Any of us are 2 solid weeks away from a position of confidence, and 2 terrible weeks away from worried irrelevance. Anyways, here we go!
12. CoronaVirus Crowns (Ethan Maas), 1-4
As the only 1-4 team with the 2nd lowest PF, let’s not overthink this one. Injuries have just crushed this team. Run CMC (McCaffrey) is dearly missed, because when Catch22 is in the lineup, the sky is the limit. Yes, we still got a lot of season left. But the Crowns have a lot of ground to make up, so Ethan is looking for a clutch win this weekend to keep playoff hopes alive.
11. Waddlin Tua MAHOMIES (Aaron Green), 2-3
And the numbers say that as the sole owner of the lowest PF in the league through week 5, MAHOMIES is going to be near the bottom of my power rankings this week. At 2-3, both wins have come against the lowest ranked teams in the league (myself one of them), while injuries to Saquon, Kittle and JuJu threaten this team’s ability to produce in the weeks to come. BUT, Aaron does have Patrick Ma-hall-of-fame, who is somehow the 2nd highest scoring QB in the league while simultaneously seeming to underperform. Which is a frightening prospect. Watch out for a motivated Mahomes to light it up and remind the NFL just how amazing he really is, while boosting Aaron’s PF in the process.
10. Koo Koo Ka Choo (Connor Gibson), 2-3
No lie, I was in rough shape Sunday night into Monday. Down by 50 points with my team again underperforming expectations, I was a frustrated mess. Halfway through the 3rd quarter Monday night, according to ESPN I had a 2% chance of winning the game. 2%! And THEN Lamar Jackson fumbled in the Red Zone. Oof. I got up, grabbed a Fresca to cope, and sunk back into the couch awaiting my inevitable defeat.
But then, when all hope seemed lost, and defeat was imminent, I saw a shimmer of light on the horizon. What was it?
FREAKIN’ LAMAR JACKSON BRINGING THE REINFORCEMENTS. Lamar drops 42 points in 20 game-minutes, saves my game and my season, and what was dead is now alive again! Hope, I had forgotten your intoxicating splendor. But now you’re back, and I’m feeling great.
But there’s no way I can rank myself higher than #10. Let’s put in another solid week and eye #7 or #8 for next week’s power rankings. Baby steps.
9. That’s Football (Al Ohlinger), 3-2
Honestly, #4-#9 were so difficult to place. I could make good arguments for any order for these 6 middle teams. Unfortunately, That’s Football gets the lowest grade from me at this point for the middle-pack ranking. Yes, Al is one of 5 teams with a winning record. But I just don’t see the production at this point. Coming off of a poor performance and ranking 10th in PF this season, I think the winning record is a bit misleading. With that said, it could all turn around now that Dalvin Cook is back in the lineup and Henderson and Swift are running well. But as it currently stands, I gotta place That’s Football at #9.
8. Team Suspension (Kaelan Carlson), 2-3
Looking at the roster, I mostly like what Team Suspension brings to the table. But I gotta be honest, I think this team is haunted by the ghost of Alvin Kamara. A bold trade early in the season sent the RB1 elsewhere, and that production is sorely missed. Every other position on this roster is solid! Dropping the second lowest point total this past week, combined with Cooper Kupp dropping back down to Earth and the lack of an RB1 on the roster leads me to place Team Suspension at #8.
7. Morning Chubb (RJ Dechow), 2-3
Coming off a rock-solid performance in week 5 and ranking in the middle of the league in PF this season, Morning Chubb is solidly in the middle of my power rankings this week. Montgomery hitting the IR doesn’t help things, but I think RJ has a solid roster top to bottom, with some pretty good depth at the RB position. If Hockenson can get back to producing like week 1 or week 2, RJ has a dangerous team moving forward.
6. FloridaState SeminalVesicles (Alex Annan), 3-2
After contemplating a ranking from as high as #4 to low as #9, I’m locking in my final answer at #6. This team is top heavy, but a few key ‘spare part’ waiver wire additions have really bolstered this team into a competitive bunch. Emmanuel Sanders and Dawson Knox are critical FA acquisitions, while draft picks Tyreek Hill and Aaron Jones continue to carry the load each week. A couple areas of concern for me: 1) Lack of depth. Bye weeks are coming and injuries are likely. 2) When you have to pick between starting 3 different QBs, you really have 0 QBs. Although Burrow definitely has some upside with that WR core. But like I said, I lock in my final rank at #6.
5. Crazy Train (Sean Alumbaugh), 2-3
I’m asking for a friend: Is Jalen Hurts good?? I watch him play and I’m like, ‘he might get benched by the end of the year.’ But then I check his fantasy score, and I’m like ‘damn, he dropped how many points?!’ Anyways, I’m sure Sean’s not complaining, as Hurts is the 7th highest scoring QB through 5 weeks. I love the WRs on this team, and having Travis Kelce just makes life easy. There’s depth on this roster, which positions Crazy Train well for the bye weeks coming up.
4. Cassius Darsh (Daren Lincourt), 3-2
That’s right Tom, Cassius Darsh is #4 and they have you to thank for it. A few things to know. Cassius Darsh has put up the 3rd most points this season, but they also have the fewest Points Against this season. RB depth is an issue with Chris Carson now on the IR. But, Tom Brady is the top QB in fantasy right now (without having the ability to run/scramble for points, which is just mind blowing), and Zeke is crushing it. WRs are solid, and it looks like Ertz is headed to Arizona, which could lead to some better usage than playing second fiddle to Dallas Goedert. With decent depth and coming off a 140-point week, I’ve got Cassius Darsh solidly at #4.
3. Can You Diggs It (Kenneth Pancake), 4-1
I so very badly wanted to rank Kenny at #4 so that I could make a play on how his only loss came to me (via Lamar Jackson) by .04 points and how he has only 4 wins instead of 5 and…and…and….. But I just couldn’t in good conscience put Can You Diggs It any lower than #3. Because they’re really good. So here they sit, and there go all my #4 puns…
Kenny, you may be asking yourself “how am I #3 when I should be at least #2?” I’m glad you asked. Can You Diggs It has scored only the 6th most PF this season, while playing a soft schedule with the 3rd lowest PA this season. With Russel Wilson headed to IR and Carson Wentz-to-the-hospital in the starting lineup, I’m concerned about the QB and TE production. There’s a lot to like on this roster for sure. Lock it in; Can You Diggs It at #3.
2. Premarital Fournettecation (Dan Jackson Jr.), 2-3
On the heels of a legendary 172-point weekend, Premarital Fournettecation looks to keep that ball rolling for days on days on days. My goodness, what a performance. Carried by heavy hitters Alvin Kamara (more on that in a minute), Davante Adams, DK Metcalf, and Josh Allen, this team can really pack a punch. Just ask Conner Party! So yeah, while under .500 at 2-3, a monster performance plus a dangerous roster equals #2 in this week’s power rankings.
Also, I’m sorry, but I’m still not over this masterful move. You turned a bag of rice (Cousins) and the 3rd best Iowa TE in the NFL (Fant) into Alvin freakin’ Kamara! That’s the kind of deal that wins championships!
Conner Party (Jared Kmiecik), 4-1
Just like I said for #12, let’s not overthink this. Jared’s got his team tied for first in the league while dropping the highest PF in the league by a wide margin. A very wide margin. Fueled by this year’s diamond-in-the-rough Mike Williams, Conner Party is stacked and shows no signs of slowing down. It only took a legendary 172-point performance last week to deal Jared his first loss, while he still casually dropped 160 points himself! Like, WHAT? Anywhere other than #1 is just not doing justice to the dominance of this team through 5 weeks. We’ll see if he can keep this Party going!
Final Thoughts
For those of you who disagree with me:
That is all. Good luck in Week 6!
Comments