Welcome to the always late but ever so entertaining "Kaelan's Jank Ranks"
After yet another disappointing loss last week to my favorite team "Crazy Train" I have one thing to say and that if i played each and every week with my gut I would do way better than my record shows.... Humbly it is very obvious i am easily the best 5 loss team in all of Fantasy Football with my spectacular waiver wire pickups. Those boys (Ty son Williams, Giants D/ST, and Devontae Booker) have kept my team viable while my draft performance was lack luster to say the least... anyways on to the part you all have been waiting for. Before you judge my rankings you must read each and every word 🙂
Ok this means really nothing at all but it is something I have been obsessing over for my team all year long. How many players do you currently possess on your team in the top 10 for their position and if they could play every single week against every team how would you do?
10 Tankin for Tua Aaron David Green
With only one person ranked in the top ten for their position you better hope they can carry you to victory... Unfortunately for you Aaron David Green you picked Patty Mahomes to take you to victory. In years past you could have succeeded but with Allen, Burrow, Murray, etc. finding their own groove and KC struggling against all odds I don't think you stand a chance.
9 Koo Koo Achoo Connor Keaton Gibson
With only 3 top 10 players connor finds himself here. Lamar may be the second most toxic QB to play the game by single-handedly making all of his RBs do the work and then scoring the TD himself, you actually have found decent success at 4-4. I did not believe in Najee Harris with a struggling Pittsburgh team but it has paid off thus far. Hopefully Julio jones can become a dominant WR again in Tennessee to bring you to a playoff birth.
8 CoronaVirus Crowns Ethan Alexander
Ok so this is the only funny one I will grant myself... yes Ethan is 2-6 but hear me out... He has the number 1 kicker in the league that has to be worth something! Nick Folk will tray his darndest to put the likes of Kyler Murray, Boston Scott, and A.J. Brown to at least one more victory this year. Close match this week versus the 4-4 Morning Chubbers.
7 Darsh Daren Lincourt
A man after my own heart thriving with a lousy PA just skating by and making ESPN think you've got this in the bag. Bad news my friend that wont help you here 🙂 you are #1 in my heart but #7 in jank ranks reality with only 4 top ten contenders. Zeke seems to have brought the power this year after suffering all year last year. the Patriots D/ST, Graham Gano, and your Lord and Savior Tom Brady have brought you great success but this week Brady is no more! Look for a hard fought battle to the end this week!!
6 FSU Somethings Alex Annan
Ok this is just so you are below me in the standings cause i like to talk crap with nothing to back it but here it goes! Joe Burrow is proving to be a franchise QB with his best friend Chase catching every single ball without white stripes. Aaron Jones and the Packers are a force to reckon with knocking off the top dog Cardinals. Tyreek Hill gives no shits and carries KC to competitive losses *mhm Nebraska* and my personal favorite cowboys D/ST sneak in there at number 9 over all. Good luck this week my friend!!
5 Morning Chubby RJ Dechow
Tied with Kenny and Alex you also hold 5 top ten players. Matt Stafford has come to save the Rams from Jared Goff and its turning into something so beautiful. He helps My favorite player Kuppy score lots of points so thank you. The triple threat Cordarrelle Patterson does it all and will look to bring you more dubs. Marquise Brown is turning out to be in a good place now that Lamar is learning to use his arm more and more. He will improve as their schedule eases up. Then you have good ole hockysocks on bye today and hes the only receiver in the Detroit locker room Goff has the arm for so you are set there! Kick some butt and win a championship shy dontcha!
4 Wentz is Trash Kenneth Pancake Behn Nost
Kenny Kenny Kenny.... you only have 5 top ten players and that's worse than me so sit down here and let the real players play 😛 Ok I hate Wentz for no reason at all I just dont like that hes had success and is the #7 QB as of now. I truly believe Austin Eckler is a fantasy league sinner and have held true to that since you stole him from me in the draft. The Panthers D/ST started the season with a SUPER easy schedule and are now getting tougher opponents now so look for them to fall off. Matt Prater isnt even a world Record holder anymore so why would you want him on your team? Like cmon man!! get it together. I actually really like your team and if Wentz is able to progressively get better and find his groove with Johnathan Taylor I think you will be our division winner! Good Luck Kenny!!
3 Team Suspension Kaelan Carlson
Where do I even start?! World Record holding Kicker Justin Tucker hitting BOMBS in warmups. Triple jumping kicks and banking it off the crossbar, this man is a GOAT. Cooper Kupp is disgustingly good with Stafford in town and i love it. I stick with players all the time and its paid off this year. Mark Andrews makes my bench look SUPER good when he score 40+ and I listen to ESPN and lose another game 🙂 The Bills D/ST is RED HOT trying to bring Josh Allen to his first Super Bowl. I picked up Greg zuerlein to give me my 6th top ten player this week so i could legally rank myself above Kenny. Then you have the beast C.J. Uzomah patiently waiting for Burrow to utilize him along with Chase. This team has potential but now Ws so 5 losses may be the end of me. If Saquon can come back to full strength I can void my poor Kamara trade but its doubtful!
2 Conner Party Jared Kmiecik
#1 in ESPNs eyes but #2 in reality this team is spectacular! Ja'Marr Chase can indeed catch balls without white stripes on them. Darren Waller is proving that he deserved a chance years ago but is capitalizing now. The Colts D/ST has played nobody and done well. Matt Gay kicks for the coolest stadium. Derrick Henry is lost but never forgotten, he may return but it may be too late. Lastly Godwin has God himself throwing Dimes to him. Dak is back so he has major upside now so without Henry it will be a tough task but completely possible to pull out a championship run!
1 Marital Fortitude Daniel Jackson Jr.
This Man has EIGHT top ten players this year and looks to improve the lousy 4-4 start against a few red how teams this year. Josh Allen has protection now and so many options he can choose from. Kamara was acquired on the best trade i've ever seen. (You're Welcome) Davante Adams and rdgers have a connection Gronk and Brady are jealous of. Michael Pittman Jr. makes Wentz look good. Kyle Pitts need Matt Ryan to retire. Dalton Schultz has Dak back and is playing like a wanna be Gronk trucking dudes when he gets the chance. He was also on The Eavesdrop Podcast and I loved it so hes beautiful. DK Metcalf really hopes Russ comes back soon because Geno just ain't it LOL. and finally the Buccaneers Defense is always good because they have to keep Brady in games until he can dissect the defense and score more tuddys.
I really think you have a chance to make a big run this year and grab a Championship. I told you during our trade i just hope you win and that stands...
Final Thoughts,
This is a blast each and every year my friends! Who cares if you win or lose, have fun and enjoy the rivalries. Kenny beat me and will now say a comeback is in order... 9-2 Kenny 9-2 Kenny. Aaron will still draft too many chiefs players. Sean will find a way to get second yet again. Al will continue to be a menace to society with his ungodly win rate. the draft class of 2018 will continue to prove I have no clue how to play Fantasy football. Alex will have high weeks and low weeks, but respond the same way I do.... (claiming this shit sucks) and then the newcomers will build their own story lines for years to come.
Love you all and am truly blessed to be apart of the #1 league in the world ❤
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