Artictle by Connor Gibson, posted by Al Ohlinger
Warning: I’m tired and feeling provocative.
You know what time it is!? It’s fantasy football overreaction week. That’s right. It’s that time of the year when new, green, fresh out-of-the-factory fantasy managers buy high and sell oh-so-very low. It’s that time of the year when the seasoned vets come swooping in, acting dumb, whispering sweet nothings like, “I don’t want to do this, because I think these guys will be great, but because you’re a friend of mine, how about I give you, say, Robbie Anderson and Jamaal Williams for… Austin Ekeler??? You’re getting the better deal in this. After all, they scored over 30 combined points, while Ekeler only put up 9 points this week…” and just like that, a baby is crying and someone is walking away with free candy. Never forget: two nickels don’t equal a dime. Don’t get played after week 1.
Anyways, my week 1 power rankings go like this: Don’t tell me how good your team is, show me. And what’s the only unit of measure we can use to unbiasedly see how good your team is? Points For. That’s right. You’re reading this correctly. After making my whole opening paragraph about how not to take one isolated week of production as an accurate measure of season-long value, my entire power rankings are based on only one isolated week of production. Why, you might ask? Because I can. Because Yours Truly posted the highest week 1 score in the League, while quietly missing the top 10 scores of all time by 3 points (dangit Allen Robinson). Also, because of this graphic of the Breakfast League’s all-time winning percentage:
So, is it a Week 1/Season 1 fluke?? OR AM I ACTUALLY THIS GOOD!? I guess we’ll have to wait another 16 weeks to find out! Here’s my power rankings for week 1.
12. Baker’s Dozen (Daren Lincourt) – 65.4 PF
I mean, Aaron Rodgers. Ouch. Trey Lance and Justin Fields posted better numbers in a down pour than the 4-time MVP put up in a dome. I don’t expect that trend to continue. But that Cam Akers… Unexpected, to say the least. Maybe these unexplainable performances can be attributed to Baker’s Dozen having a team name that equals the ever-unlucky number 13…? Something to consider for the future.
11. Make Fantasy Great Again (Ethan Maas) - 73.88 PF
After riding Jonathan Taylor and Najee Harris to the ‘ship last year, you know that I’ve got a special place in my heart for Najee. Seeing him banged up already just breaks my heart. Also, bold move by Dak Prescott, who, after seeing how terrible he and his team performed for three quarters, purposefully broke his own throwing hand to dodge this season and any criticism from Cowboy nation about his inability to carry a weakened Dallas team. Also, McCarthy ain’t making it past week 10. Fortunately, Ethan has Tom vs. Time on his side.
10. Team Suspension (Kaelan Carlson) – 76.6 PF
Kaelan has proven time and time that he is not afraid to wheel and deal. Not even to week 2 yet, and two trades are in the books. After a strong Thursday night start by Cooper Kupp, injuries to Higgins and Kamara and poor showings from Stevenson and Renfrow limited the production this week. Look for that to change in coming weeks.
9. I’m Really Feeling It! (Al Ohlinger) – 87.52 PF
Al treats FAB dollars like Les Snead treats draft picks. Dropping $37 on Jeff Wilson Jr. out of the gate is the type of bold move that led the Rams to the Superbowl last year, and I’m here for it. Fortune favors the bold. Underperforming Cowboys are something to keep an eye on, but hopefully CeeDee and Zeke can turn in better performances in the future.
8. Kittle bit of CHAOS (Aaron Green) – 101.16 PF
Early injuries to Elijah Mitchell, George Kittle and Keenan Allen are very concerning. Aside: Is “Brittle Kittle” a nickname for George Kittle yet? If not, you heard it here first. Anyways, Aaron has good depth that is covering the injuries pretty well at this point, other than a risky Isiah Pacheco sitting in the flex spot currently after receiving mostly garbage-time carries last week. As a Chiefs fan, I am also hoping they give Pacheco more carries this week. He’s got a spark. But that might be wishful thinking…
7. Conner Party (Jared Kmiecik) – 104.12 PF
I mean, Lamar and Jonathan Taylor have a special place in my heart after they helped Koo Koo Ka Choo achieve gold last year. With a better showing from the D/ST and K, Jared would’ve been closer to #5 than #7 this week (which is why I’m a big fan of Superflex leagues. Just sayin. Planting that seed now).
6. Crazy Train (Sean Alumbaugh) – 104.92 PF
Every. Yard. Matters. 8 yards separated Crazy Train and Conner Party this week in the power rankings. Kyle Pitts and Mike Williams turned in dud performances, while Mooney and the Bears offense looked pretty terrible in a rain storm. However, D’Andre getting Swifty helped propel Crazy Train to a narrow victory. I’m just counting down the days till Skylar Thompson gets put in for an injured Tua and the next Tom Brady begins…
5. -- *TeamName Redacted* (Alex Annan) – 107.08 PF
Alex. I mean, what can I say? I was nervous after Josh Allen put up 37.48 points on Thursday. But I should have remembered what happens when Patrick Mahomes has the ball last! All in all, I expect Ekeler and Thielen to perform much better in the future, so there’s a lot of upside on this roster.
4. It Just Means Moore (Kenneth Pancake) – 119.92 PF
Solid week 1 showing. Dangerous RB tandom, solid QB play, good WRs. Only concern would be the depth of roster. But hey, it’s only week 1. If Evan McPherson only had a long snapper, 119.92 points could’ve Meant Moore (get it? I know, it was a stretch). Overall, solid team and I look forward to the division rivalry. Remember remember, the .04 of September...
3. Wilson’s Cougar Hunters (RJ Dechow) – 126.5 PF
Great showing. Other than the TE position, there’s explosive playmakers at each starting spot. Sorry RJ, I’m getting tired. Almost there…
2. San Diego State Fightin Araizas (Dan Jackson Jr.) – 142.98 PF
What a banger. 6 of 9 starters put up top 10 scoring efforts for their position. The WRs on this team are probably the best in the league, especially if Michael Thomas is going to do that on a regular basis. Stafford is concerning, but having Cousins is a great 2nd option. Overall, watch out for this team. Stacked.
1. Koo Koo Ka Choo (Connor Gibson) – 165.7 PF
I’m putting this here to reference for when the season is over. Remember this: you all let Justin Jefferson slide to me at pick #8. You did this!
In all seriousness, I hope you each know that this is all tongue in cheek. Mahomes and Kelce will not score a combined 67 points every week. My Defense won’t put up 20. All my RBs are splitting carries. And Allen Robinson looks like a complete whiff. But hey, this is why we love fantasy football. You just don’t know for sure what will happen.
So, here’s to you all! I want to wish everyone good luck this week. Except for Kaelan. I hope he loses by 100 points lol.
And I want to remind you that Koo Koo Ka Choo is the defending champion. So bring it on! Lol. Here’s to a great season!
Quote of the week. Geno Smith when asked after the game what he had to say to the people who doubted he could start in the NFL again. “They wrote me off. But I didn’t write back!”
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