Power Rankings - this was finished on Wednesday this week so some of the information below might be a tad out of date. Happy Thanksgiving! 3rd straight year I get the honor of talking to you all about football as you get ready to gouge yourselves out on turkey and stuffing and watch my Lions get blown out by…. Wait, the Lions are 8-2? Holy shit! This is amazing! And we get to play against the Packers for Thanksgiving? I am going to be the happiest, fattest, and drunkest person on Thanksgiving if they win. Now, on with the rankings! As a treat, I’ve embedded different gifs (sound may be included) describing each of the teams below – enjoy!
12. From The Logo! (2-9) Last Week: #12 Congrats Al! You are the first team to be eliminated from playoff contention this year – such an honor has never been bestowed upon you before so you should enjoy this moment for as long as possible. Just kidding, I don’t think anyone in this league is looking forward to the 2024 season as this guy right here. He only has his pride left to play for and I’m sure that last game of the season against his sister provides plenty of motivation for ending the season on a high note
11. Koo Koo Ka Choo (4-7) Last Week: 8 Playoff chances are pretty much nil at this point and an intimidating final opponent awaits in Team Suspension. Connor deserves credit for scratching and clawing his way to 4 wins this season but losing Burrow for the rest of the year kills any hope he has of making a Cinderella run at the playoffs. In addition, he plays in the toughest division which means a 4-10 finish is not out of the realm of possibility.
10. Old Yellers (5-6) Last Week: 11 A win keeps this dog from being put down for one more week. Yeah, I went there, come at me bro? Lamar Jackson has bounced back nicely this season from a disaster of 2022 and having Dillon on your roster is fortunate with Aaron Jones suffering a knee injury that might keep him out multiple games. This team just never seemed to find rhythm this year but multiple opportunities await to ruin someone’s playoff hopes and dreams. Sick em boy!
9. Love and Flowers (4-7) Last Week: 9 Well would you look at that? I still have a 5 percent chance of making the playoffs! It was at 1% 2 weeks ago so I’ve increased my chances by over 400%!!! At least, I think that’s correct – idk. Anyways, the upset of Marie last week was very surprising and I damn near lost it at the end, but I’m rolling into divisional play on a 2 game win streak so anything is possible. Keep winning and I might just end up in the playoffs (ok, not really but hopefully I can get out of the last place matchup in the first round. Baby steps people).
8. San Diego State Fightin Araizas(6-5) Last Week: 10 Somehow, Dan’s zombie of a team is still chugging along and almost came away with an impressive tiebreaker victory over Alex’s team. Alas, he lost and now is facing a daunting task of upsetting Marie’s team. However, IF HE WINS, he will own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Marie’s team and then a loss by Marie or a win by Dan would probably guarantee him a place in the playoffs. So, yeah. He ain’t dead yet baby. Not by a long shot. Especially with Daddy Dak leading the way.
7. It’s a Love Story Kelce Just Say(5-6) Last Week: 6 Wow… a 4 game losing streak has Kenny’s team on the outside looking in with the playoffs now. I think at this stage of the season, we can legitimately worry about KC’s offense, which is practically Kenny’s whole team. Mahomes is still elite but with crap to throw to for WRs and Kelce more focused on Taylor Swift than holding onto the football (I mean, I don’t blame him. I worry more about the crazy Swifties than KC fans), the odds are stacked against him. Not impossible, but leaning towards improbably right now. Hopefully he can shake it off.
6. Crazy Train (6-5) Last Week: 5 Winners of three in a row, Sean has his team back on track after a rough start to the season. 2 wins in divisional play would probably mean a playoff berth, especially with his tiebreakers over Dan and Kenny. Now, can he steamroll over his opponent this week? Or will Love and Flowers derail Sean’s playoffs aspirations? Right now, the line is 1.5 in favor of me. We’ll see!
5. Dobbsy if a free Elf(6-5) Last Week: 4 Look, I know he won last week but he moved down? I still don’t fully trust Dobbs as your starting QB for the rest of the season. But man, is this America’s team or what? Move your ass over Harbaugh, Aaron is here to stake his claim! I especially like his RB depth to get him into the playoffs and with some huge tiebreakers in his back pocket, just 1 win might be enough to clinch a spot in the playoffs.
4. Iowa City Mo (6-5) Last Week: 3 A 2-game losing streak has Marie questioning nothing about her team as she still has scored the most points in the league and it took a superhuman effort by my team to prevent her comeback. She has lost some key tiebreakers and faces a huge game this week against Dan (winner pretty much wraps up the division). She will get a huge boost with having Zach Charbonnet on her team for the stretch run. Hopefully she can finally put Dan the zombie to eternal rest this weekend. Otherwise, her path to the playoffs dramatically narrows and a potential championship contender could be out of luck.
3. Left Handed Corn Dogz (7-4) Last Week: 7 We have to take this team seriously as one more win should punch their ticket to the playoffs. He has literally zero depth right now but with the hopeful return of Justin Jefferson and Najee Harris being returned from the frigid prison that is Canada’s offense, hope is just around the corner. His best chance at a victory might be this week against Kenny. Making the playoffs and eliminating someone from the playoffs? Sign me up for this!
2. Team Suspension (7-4) Last Week: 1 Another championship contender with a 2-game losing streak? Parity has arrived in the Breakfast League full force these last few weeks. Kaelan suffered a tough loss with Walker being knocked out most likely for the next few weeks (maybe, we’ll see) but he can ride Jacobs and McCaffery just fine. He needs to avoid another upset this week against Connor and that playoff spot will be locked up. Don’t look ahead too far to next week though in a matchup that will likely settle the division champ and the 2nd bye seed.
1. Saqoun Deez Nuts (8-3) Last Week: 2 Ok, he should have clinched a playoff spot by now, 99% my ass. A win this week will definitely make that 100%, especially since he started off 3-0 in the first round of divisional games. Top-to-bottom, this is probably the deepest team in the league but I wouldn’t put him in the same class as other dominant teams of years past. Time will tell but most likely having a first round bye will help Ethan’s chances of claiming this years championship. At least Herbert has a chance of success in the playoffs this year!
Next Week’s Preview
Game of the Week: Iowa City Mo vs. San Diego State Fightin Araizas – make sure to double-tap Dan here Marie. Please, the league begs you. Marie by 24
Game of the Week (2): Saqoun Deez Nuts vs. Dobbsy is a free Elf – Can Aaron pull off yet another upset? This one would really help solidify Aaron’s playoff push. Aaron by 0.02
Game of the Week (3): It’s a Love Story Kelce Just Say vs. Left Handed Corn Dogz – 3 weeks ago, Kenny was 5-3 and Alex was 4-4. My have the turntables have turned. Alex by 13 (get it? It’s Taylor’s favorite number!)
Crazy Train vs. Love and Flowers – Can Love and Flowers stop a crazy train? Want to find out? Sean by 11
Team Suspension vs. Koo Koo Ka Choo – Kaelan will have his team ready to play and put Connor out of his miseryonce and for all. Kaelan by 24
From The Logo! vs. Old Yellers – another put down game. Al is going to Kobe all over here – Al by 8
There you have it folks! Enjoy your Thanksgiving meals, get fat, and watch Dan Campbell call some ballsy plays to earn the Lions a W at home! Let’s go!!!
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