Alright Boys and Gentlemen… For years I have been hounded for more irrational picks, stupid plays, and outright mind-boggling trades. Week after week small short jabs in the way of power rankings have been fuel to the fire that is Team Suspension. Now I know what you are all thinking, Kaelan get on with the Power Rankings for the week. I will, and im sure you wont agree but this is my time to shine. Let the trash talk from a team that is 2-3 commence.
12. Masterdeflater (Daniel Jackson) Alright big dog, only one team in this league can start out with a winless season and almost make a playoff birth. Atthis point with a shameful Jamies Winston marauding the Chronic Masterdeflaters around for their first victory I think the time has since passed for this season. Pack the bags and wait a second!! You’re playing flapjack this week! No problem think long and hard about who will be the best and don’t you dare lose to him. My moneys on the underdog here.
11. Donald Trumps Hair (Ethan Maas) Ethan, the fire and pizazz from past seasons just isn’t there anymore. Last week you barely outscored the worst team in the league to bring home the first win of the season. 4 games back from the leader is a lot to make up in a short amount of time. Do the rain dance now and hope the fools ahead make crucial mistakes in order for you to make the playoffs.
10. The Rampaging Koala Bears (Eli Thompson) This is another story of a great team that hasn’t lived up to the hype. I will give it to you for taking down Alex in week one and hope the best for you my dude. This week you are faced with the infamous RJ Dogchow and that will be a tough battle to handle. Again many of us down here in the swamps of the Breakfast League need to hope our players come back to life for this second half of the season.
9. Team Suspension (Kaelan I Lost Carlson) Well buddy, your team fizzled quick huh. Great work on the draft day and week one of the season but holy cow my dude Gronk fell off the earth. Brees went for the passing yards record. Alex Smith is pitiful and Staffy had a staff infection of the no points kind at the beginning of the season. Maybe its time to break the trend of not trading and still picking up the W and offer up the steaming hot pile of booty you have on your hands right now. Anyways, keep your head up. You beat the measly Flapjack at his own game and can still push for the playoffs if the boy come back to town.
xoxo that one guy who knows nothing about football.
8. Just Call Burton (Jared Kmiecik) Ahh the man who drafted Bell, seems like everyone who was unlucky enough to pick the only person more stuck up than Marshawn Lynch in every league is suffering because of it. I’m sorry buddy, there is still hope though. You can still score points in the 100s and that’s always a plus. But please, I’m begging you to just flop this week. Team suspension needs all the help he can get J Good Luck my man, may the taller man win ;)
7. Attack of the Mahomes (Aaron Green) T-Crew! Just a few kinks to work out and you will be in the race for the playoffs. The poor Chiefs choices could have paid off this year if you would get rid of their Defense. C’mon they are averaging 3.8 points a week and that just won’t cut it. Still a toss-up with the way MaHOMIE is playing so I wouldn’t count this fella out yet.
6. Party Like it’s 1999 (Al Ohlinger) Well well well, Al is in the top half yet again. This team looks a bit shaky but with a bit of finesse and skill you may be able to keep the playoff contending spot. I will have you know that each year I am most scared of playing your team because it seems like you have the ability to pull a crazy game against me. Anyways, this week you play the infamous Hair boys and should have an easy win if last week was only a small blip in the season.
5. Crazy Train (Sean Alooooombagh) Hi Sean, Great team. Two hit or miss QBs will continue to be the biggest struggle for this team for the remainder of the season. Your kicker is struggling and could use a refresher on how to score points but I guess it could be worse. I mean after all Mason Crosby missed the left side of the barn in the most comical fashion last week. Keep scoring well and the dubs will come.
4. I’m Bringing Rexy Back (Kenneth Flopjack) You read that right! I can’t be the only one that prays to the fantasy Gods each season about this team. First off, the man doesn’t have Rex Burkhead on the roster so what is with the name? Secondly he lost to a team struggling to break 100 points the past two weeks. Not to mention the fact that he scores ungodly amounts of points and still complains. Tis team is nothing to reckon with, the only questionable decision he makes week after week is playing Edelman… Pats just don’t seem to be scoring much in the name of fantasy. We can both hope for improved performance in the coming weeks. It pains me to say this… good work so far.
3. Frost Advisory (RJ Dechow) This team looks impressive week after week. With the only two positions currently averaging under 10 points being the kicker and Defense I expect this team to continue the rampage towards the playoffs. Good luck and keep doing what you’re doing because it seems to be working.
2. Avant Gardeyns (Alex Annan) Let me just say that I am very upset with Alvin Kamara and Drew Brees. This team is consistently finding the ways to win week after week and you cant argue with that. It’s almost disheartening looking at this team and the backups to the backups. Last week he had so many points on his bench that I think if he chooses the lineup correctly then he will give Brandon a run for the mullah.
1. Children of Thanos (Brandon Gaede) Wowza still undefeated huh. Well can’t argue with results. Good work boss. I am fearful that this team may be the second team to win two breakfast league championships. I’ve always been a fan of Brandon and his up and down years but I was not expecting this immaculate start to the season. As long as the Pancake stays a good distance away from that trophy the league can stay at peace. But I will give you a run for your money in a couple weeks, I promise <3.
As you can see, I have no idea what I’m doing and simply wanted to talk a bit of trash. My 2-3 Suspension Squad will continue to fight until the very end. If you made it to the end, I’m not sure why, thanks for your time and next time just take a look at ESPN’s standings to save your brain from my 15 min rant. J
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