OMAHA, NE - Entering its sixth season, four candidates have announced their candidacy for Commissioner of the Breakfast League.
Alex Annan was the first candidate to announce. The announcement was released on Facebook, along with an ad for his campaign. Annan will run on the Libertarian ticket.
"Now, why am I a good choice for this year's League Commissioner?" he asks in his ad, holding a bottle of Jameson in front of an open refrigerator. "I'm not." He is then seen gesturing to a bag of flour, a carton of eggs and a carton of milk, saying "Kenneth Pancake is a far better choice." He declined to expand on what policies he would advocate for. He also released a campaign logo:
In the early hours of the following morning, Dan Jackson Jr. announced his candidacy, also via Facebook. Whereas he did not clarify which ticket he would run on, he specifically attacked the Libertarian ticket, claiming "Not only would voting for me be catastrophic but i’d raise league dues $10 for... some reason."
Jackson did not release an ad, but he did announce his slogan: " You know in your heart, this is a stupid idea."
Later that day, Commissioner Kenneth Pancake announced his re-election campaign with a simple slogan ("More of the same") and his overused campaign logo, seen below. He plans to run on the Football Party ticket.
Pancake runs for his fourth elected term and his sixth year. No one else has ever served as Commissioner.
While he also declined to mention specific policies, he did name his Lieutenant Commissioner candidate: current Lieutenant Commissioner Al Ohlinger. "Despite his slight mistake in 2017," Kenneth told us (in relation to the Bubble Tracker malfunction naming Kenneth a playoff contender when, in fact, he was not), "Al would continue to make a fine aide." No other candidate has named a running mate as of publication.
The final candidate announced later that afternoon. RJ Dechow (party unknown) made a bold call for a "football revolution to fundamentally change the way this league is governed!". He immediately called for redistribution of winnings, increasing dues, participation trophies and a ban on executive shit-posting.
Asked about RJ's campaign, redistribution expert Josef Stalin weighed in. "I think he is a great candidate for Mother Russia," he suggested, "and he could be our chance to take over the United States!".
Elections expert and politico Penneth Kancake offered his analysis. "While Pancake has a strong incumbency advantage, I expect League members to harken to RJ's policy proposals," he said. "No one else has made substantive suggestions."
His Facebook announcement has (at time of publication) two 'haha' reacts.
The election will be held at 6 PM on Sept. 2nd on the Holiest of Days, Draft Day.
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